The Diary of a Nobody
Being the modern day record of Charles
Pooter VI -
direct descendant of the 19th Century original
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I don’t know why, exactly, but I never look forward to Annie’s visits to our place. She’s coming again for a couple of days. I said to Carrie as I was heading out in the morning, “I wish I liked Annie more”.Carrie said, “So do I, love, but since I’ve had to put up for years with Gowing, who’s seedy, and Cummings, who’s well-meaning but dull, I’m sure you won’t mind the occasional visit from Annie, who’s got more intelligence in her little finger than that pair have in their entire bodies”.
I was speechless at this attack on my two dear old friends. I was late for the train, and I left giving Carrie a hurried kiss. A bit too hurried, because my upper lip bashed against Carrie’s teeth and got cut. It was quite painful for an hour or so afterwards. When I got back in the evening, I found Carrie buried in a book called Tricks of the Mind by Derren Brown. Needless to say she’d got it from Annie. Since Carrie was absorbed in her book and didn’t have a word to say to me, I went and fixed a couple of the wall lights which had gone wonky.
Annie arrived in the evening, and as per usual, took control of everything. On discovering that the two of them were planning a séance, I put my foot down. I’ve never had any time for that sort of rubbish, and I’d put a stop to it years ago in our old place, when Carrie used to have them every night with Mrs Fussters (who’s now dead). If I could see there was any point in it, I wouldn’t have minded. But as I’d stopped it years back, I was determined to do so again.
I said, “I’m very sorry, Annie, but I don’t approve of séances, quite apart from the fact that my two old friends are coming round this evening”.
Mrs James said, “Are you trying to tell me you haven’t read “Rebirthing: Back to the Womb, Forward to the Future”? I said, “No, and I’ve no intention of doing so”. Annie seemed surprised and said, “But everyone’s going mad about it”. I replied (rather cleverly), “Let them. There’ll be one sane person left, at least”.
Annie said she thought I was being unhelpful, and if everyone was as narrow-minded as me, there’d never have been TV or computers.
I said that was completely different.
Annie said, abruptly, “In what way is it different? What way?”
I said, “In many ways”.
Annie said, “Well, tell me one”.
I said quietly, “Sorry Annie, I’m not going to discuss it. I’m not interested”.
At that moment, the bell rang, and Carrie let Cummings in, which was a relief, since I felt it’d stop the whole séance business. But I was wrong: when the subject was raised, Cummings said he was very curious about spiritualism, though he was pretty sceptical. Still, he was prepared to be convinced.
I firmly declined to get involved, and they ignored me completely as a result. I left them sitting in the living room at the small table they’d brought in from the hall. I was opening the door to head out for a stroll, when Gowing appeared.
When he heard what was going on, he suggested that we should join in and he’d pretend to go into a trance. He added he knew a few things about Cummings and he’d make up some stuff about Annie. Since I know how reckless Gowing sometimes gets, I steered him away from the idea. Gowing and I sat in the kitchen and chatted. We talked a good deal about Lupin and Murray and Daisy. Lupin, as usual, is over there for the evening. Gowing said, “It wouldn’t be such a bad thing if old Mr Posh keeled over and died”.
I was shocked, and told Gowing that it was no laughing matter. I lay awake half the night thinking about it, and when I slept, it was only to have nightmares on the same subject.
©MMIX KONSIGNIA. All rights reserved.
Why shouldn’t
I publish
my diary?
I often see memoirs by people I’ve never even heard of and I don’t see why my diary should be any less interesting, just because I’m not a ‘celebrity’. I only wish I’d started it when I was younger.
Charles Pooter
The Laurels, 32 Elmside,
Barleycorn Mead, Harrow on the Hill.
charles@charlespooter.com
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