The Diary of a Nobody
Being the modern day record of Charles
Pooter VI -
direct descendant of the 19th Century original
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Today I’m going to end this diary. It’s one of the happiest days of my life. A great ambtion that I’ve had for ages has finally been realised. This morning I got a formal letter from Barry Perkupp, asking if I could take Lupin down to the office with me. I went to Lupin’s room. He was looking pretty sick, and said he had a bad headache. Down in Brighton yesterday he’d gone to a club, lost his coat, and had got soaked on the way back. I showed him the letter from Barry, and he got out of bed in double quick time. I insisted he should put on a sober suit – nothing too flash.Carrie was all excited when she saw the letter. All she could say was “Oh, I do hope it’ll work out OK”. As for me, I could hardly eat any breakfast. Lupin came down looking smart and very respectable, except his face was a bit yellow. To raise his spirits, Carrie said, “You look nice, Lupin”. Lupin said “Yeah, nice costume eh? I look like a cross between an undertaker and a bouncer”. He laughed a bit bitterly.
I heard a commotion in the kitchen and found Lupin slashing at a tie with a bread knife. I said, “Lupin, what the hell are you doing? What a waste! If you don’t like it, I’m sure someone else would be happy to have it”. He said, “I wouldn’t insult anyone else with tat like this”.
He went up to find another one. I looked at the remnants of the tie. Armani. With a lowpriceposh.com price tag still dangling from it. No wonder. It seemed to take for ever to get to the office. Barry sent for Lupin. They were together nearly an hour. Lupin came back, looking a bit crestfallen, I thought. I said, “Lupin - what about Barry then?” Lupin suddenly started singing “All right now, Perkupp’s all right now”. From which I reckoned Barry had given him a job. I went up to Barry, but couldn’t work out what to say. He said, “Charles, what’s up?" I must have looked a right idiot, because all I could say was “Barry, you’re a good man”. He looked at me for a moment and said, “No Charles, you’re a good man. Let’s see if your son can follow your example”. I said, “Barry, do you mind if I head off? I don’t think I’ll be much use to anyone today”.
Barry nodded, and shook my hand. I was feeling really emotional on the train home, almost crying to tell the truth, and I would have done so if I’d not been distracted by Lupin who was arguing with a fat man whom he accused of taking up too much of the seat.
In the evening, Carrie asked Cummings and his wife round, and Gowing as well. We sat around the living room and toasted Lupin’s success with a bottle of Cava which Carrie got from the Spar. I lay awake quite a while, thinking about how things would be. Me and Lupin, in the same office, travelling into work together. Maybe Lupin’ll help out in the house: doing a bit of DIY, helping his mum with the decorating, a touch of gardening in the summer. (That reminds me, I need to get some more of that stencilling paint). I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I saw my bedside alarm clock turn four, and must have fallen asleep soon after. Dreaming of the three of us, all happy: Lupin, my lovely Carrie, and me.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Since Daisy and Murray were getting married today, Lupin cleared off with a friend to Brighton. Lupin’s pretty cut up about it, but he makes out he’s glad nothing transpired between him and Daisy. I wish he wouldn’t go out clubbing so much, but I don’t feel I can say anything about it. Currently, he irritates me by singing the same song over and over again all round the house. He says it’s Free. I wouldn’t pay for it. It goes “Lupin’s all right now, Daisy’s one fat cow”. If he’s calling her that, I doubt he’s really all right. In the evening, Gowing called. The main item on his agenda was Daisy and Murray’s marriage. I said, “Actually, I’m glad it’s worked out the way it has. Daisy would only have made a fool of Lupin”. Gowing (tasteful as ever) said, “Lupin can make a fool of himself without any assistance, I’d say”. Carrie resented his remark, and he had the decency to apologise.©MMIX KONSIGNIA. All rights reserved.
Why shouldn’t
I publish
my diary?
I often see memoirs by people I’ve never even heard of and I don’t see why my diary should be any less interesting, just because I’m not a ‘celebrity’. I only wish I’d started it when I was younger.
Charles Pooter
The Laurels, 32 Elmside,
Barleycorn Mead, Harrow on the Hill.
charles@charlespooter.com
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