The Diary of a Nobody

Being the modern day record of Charles Pooter VI -
direct descendant of the 19th Century original

Friday, February 19, 2010

Before he left for work, Lupin said, “Look, I’m really sorry about the Langella shares. If the boss had been around, it wouldn’t have happened. Actually, I suspect something’s up. No one’s seen Josh for a couple of days now, and there’s been a lot of calls from people who’re very keen to speak to him”.

In the evening, Lupin was heading out to avoid the chance of meeting Gowing and Cummings, when Gowing walked straight in doing his usual “may I come in?” routine.

Lupin and I were surprised to find he was really jolly. We avoided saying anything about Langella, but he raised the subject himself. He said, “Hey, those Langella shares completely collapsed, didn’t they. Not so smart now, eh Lupin? How much did you lose?" I was astonished when Lupin said “Nothing at all, mate. There was some cock up when the agreement was transmitted, so I never got mine. Charlie here lost £630”. I said, “What? I thought you’d invested. Otherwise I wouldn’t have got involved”. Lupin said, “Ah well, c’est la vie. You’ll more than make it back if you double up on the next tip. That’s the way it goes”. Before I had a chance to say anything, Gowing said, “Well, I didn’t lose a penny either. From some of the chat I’d heard, it was a bit too risky, so I persuaded Cummings to take my £525 of shares. He was a lot more confident about it”.

Lupin burst out laughing and said, “Alas poor Cummings! He’ll have lost over a grand”. The doorbell rang. Lupin said “If that’s Cummings, I don’t want to see him”. If Lupin had gone to the front door, he’d have run into Cummings, so he opened the French windows and ran out. Gowing stood up and said, “Me neither”, and followed suit.

I was scandalised to think that my own son, and one of my best friends could leave like a pair of criminals interrupted in the middle of a burglary. Cummings was very upset, and very angry with Lupin and Gowing. I offered him a little whisky, but he said he’d given it up. He said he’d have a glass of buckwheat beer instead, because the doctor on GMTV had said it was really healthy. I’d never heard of it. Carrie popped down to Oddbins to try and get some.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

A number of times recently, Carrie’s pointed out that I’m going thin on top. This morning I was trying to check it out with a small hand mirror. I jogged my elbow against the edge of the chest of drawers and dropped the mirror, which smashed. Carrie got really het up – she’s ridiculously superstitious – and then, to make matters worse, I found that a large framed photo of me had dropped off the wall in the living room, and the glass had cracked.

Carrie said, “You mark my words. We’re going to have bad luck”.

I said, “Rubbish”.

In the evening, Lupin arrived home and seemed edgy. I said, “What’s up?" He faffed around, but eventually said “You know those Langella shares I told you to invest in?" I said, “Yes. Everything OK on that front?" He said, “Well, not really. The price collapsed. It came as a real shock to the market”.

It came as real shock to me too. I didn’t know what to say. After a while, Lupin said, “You’re lucky, actually. I was tipped off early, sold them immediately, and managed to get 10%, so at least you’ve got something”.

I was relieved. I said, “I wasn’t banking on getting six or eight times the investment, as you’d reckoned. But £70 is quite a good return in such a short time”. Lupin, a bit shirty, said, “Don’t be thick. What I meant was I sold your £700 of shares for £70, so you’ve lost £630. As for Cummings and Gowing - they’ve lost the full amount because I couldn’t shift them”.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The first thing I saw on opening the Mail was “Thieving Fat Cat Flees” (the fat cat in question being Cleanands). I showed it to Carrie and she said, “Perhaps it’s for Lupin’s own good. I never thought it was the right kind of job for him”. I thought the whole thing was very alarming.

Lupin came down to breakfast. I could see he was pretty upset, and I said, “We’ve heard about it already. I’m really sorry”. Lupin said, “How did you know? Who told you?" I handed him the Mail. He slapped it down and said, “Oh, I don’t give a shit about that. It wasn’t as if I hadn’t seen it coming. But this – it’s come right out of left field”. He then read us a message from Frank Mutlar on his iPhone, which said quite matter-of-factly that Daisy was going to marry Murray Posh next month. I exclaimed, “Murray Posh! Isn’t that the bloke Frank had the cheek to bring round here not so long ago?” Lupin said, “Yes. The guy from lowpriceposh.com”.

We all ate our breakfast in total silence.

In fact, I couldn’t eat anything. It wasn’t just that I was worried: I can’t eat smoked back bacon. It’s got to be streaky or nothing.

When Lupin got up to go, I noticed a rather malicious smile come over his face. I asked him what it was about. He said, “Ah well, there’s some small consolation: I’ve just remembered that Murray Posh put £20K into Langella, on the back of my recommendation”.

Friday, February 12, 2010

In the evening, I spoke to Lupin about his engagement to Daisy. I asked him if he’d heard from her lately. He said, “No. She promised that tit of a father that she’d not have any contact with me. I still see Frank though. In fact he might be round this evening”. Frank called, but said he wouldn’t come in because he had a friend called Murray Posh waiting outside. He added that Murray was a bit of a toff. Carrie asked Frank to invite him in.

He came in, along with Gowing who’d turned up at the same time. Murray Posh was tall and slightly heavily built and clearly rather nervous. He said he’d not go anywhere in a minicab again until he was certain of the driver’s credentials.

Murray Posh

When Gowing was introduced, with his usual tact he said “Are you connected with lowpriceposh.com, the designer seconds thing?” Murray said “Yes, but just to be clear, I don’t wear the seconds myself. I don’t really have a hands-on role in the business”. I said, “I wish I had a business like that”. Murray seemed pleased, and gave us a long but very interesting insight into e-commerce.

Murray obviously knew Daisy very well indeed from the way he was talking about her, and Frank once said to Lupin “Better watch out, or Murray will be in there!”. When they’d gone, I referred to what Frank had said, and Lupin said sarcastically, “If you get jealous, you’ve got no self-respect. I’d have to have a pretty low opinion of myself to get jealous of a fat oaf like Murray. I’ve told you, Daisy will wait ten years for me if she has to. In fact, you can double that”.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I was feeling very concerned about Lupin, so eventually I decided to mention it to Barry Perkupp. He’s always been dependable, so I told him everything, including what had happened yesterday. He was very good. He said, “Don’t fret, Charles. It’d be well nigh impossible for Lupin to turn out badly when he’s got such good parents. Come on, he’s young, and he’ll grow older and wiser. I wish we could take him on here”. It took a load off my mind. In the evening, Lupin came in.

After supper, he said “Mum, dad: I’ve got some news which’ll probably be fairly significant for you”. I got a bad sense of foreboding, but didn’t say anything. Lupin said, “It’ll probably upset you, but today I decided to get rid of the car”. OK, it seems a bit strange, but I was so pleased that I cracked open a bottle of Jacob’s Creek. Gowing dropped in, just in time, and showed us a programme on the computer which lets you morph people’s faces into weird shapes. We did it to some of our digital shots. I laughed so much I was aching when I went to bed.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Lupin persuaded Carrie to take a drive in his RX8. I didn’t want her to go. I was concerned about her safety so I offered to go as well. Lupin said, “Good on you, buddy. You be OK squeezing in the back? There’s not much space”.

Lupin put on a pair of weird sunglasses, and a baseball cap back to front with “Jack Wills” written on it. Carrie said he looked ridiculous. Lupin said “Never heard of Aviators? I wouldn’t be seen at the wheel of this little baby in anything else”.

I don’t care what he wears in future when he’s driving. I’m never getting in a car with him again. His driving was horrendous. He went up to the M25 and started doing about 100 in the outside lane. He was tail-gating, flashing his lights, and weaving in and out of the traffic. Scandalous lack of lane discipline. Since I was squashed in the back, I had to face a bunch of guys in a metallic orange Corsa, who followed us for about a mile, leaning out of the windows, shouting, and making V signs at us.

Lupin said it was no more than Lewis Hamilton would have to put up with if he was on the motorway, which Carrie and I thought was irrelevant. Frank Mutlar came round in the evening, and Lupin went out with him.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Exactly two weeks since we were invited round to Gowing’s house, only to find he wasn’t there. I’ve not heard a word from him. In the evening, Carrie was ironing some of my shirts. I was hanging them up and Carrie told me off for not doing up the buttons. Then Cummings came in.

He was fit and well again, and told me to get some wooden hangers from Matalan where they’re really cheap. I asked if Gowing had been in touch, and he said he hadn’t. I said I couldn’t believe Gowing could have behaved so shabbily. Cummings said, “I think you’re letting him off lightly. I’d say he behaved like a total shit”.

He’d barely said it when the door opened and in came Gowing. He said, “Can I come in?" I said, “Certainly”. Pointedly, Carrie said “Well, you are a stranger, aren’t you?" Gowing said “Yeah, I’ve been up and down to Croydon a lot over the past fortnight”. I could see that Cummings was getting really angry, and eventually he interrogated Gowing about what had happened last Saturday week. Gowing looked surprised and said, “I left a message on both your answer phones saying that the party was off – definitely off. And I don’t think your answer phones were off, like the party!”. Cummings said “Don’t try to be funny. I didn’t get any message”. Gowing said, “In the message I left for Charles, I told him to tell you as well, just to make doubly sure. Whatever, we must get together at my place sometime soon”. I said I hoped he’d put in an appearance next time. Carrie really laughed, and Cummings couldn’t help laughing too.

Friday, February 05, 2010

It’s a nightmare trying to find decent sausages. They’re either rip-off “Taste the Difference” things with basil and god knows what in them, or else just bread, basically. I’m anxious about the £700 I invested through Lupin the other week. Mind you, Cummings did the same.

Why shouldn’t
I publish
my diary?

I often see memoirs by people I’ve never even heard of and I don’t see why my diary should be any less interesting, just because I’m not a ‘celebrity’. I only wish I’d started it when I was younger.

Charles Pooter
The Laurels, 32 Elmside,
Barleycorn Mead, Harrow on the Hill.
charles@charlespooter.com