The Diary of a Nobody

Being the modern day record of Charles Pooter VI -
direct descendant of the 19th Century original

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Annie’s making a fool out of Carrie. She appeared in some psyechedelic hippy print frock. Annie said it was all the rage. I said it put me in a rage. She also had a load of beads which looked like one of those hideous curtains people hang up over doorways. Annie went back home, and Lupin and I were both delighted. It’s first time we’ve agreed about anything since he’s been back. DeLaurents haven’t got any vacancies.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

There’s a large brick in the middle of the flowerbed. Clearly, it’s come from next door. JDK Asset Management can’t offer Lupin any hope of a job.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Carrie and Annie went off shopping, and hadn’t returned by the time I got back from the office. Judging by their chat later, Annie’s been filling Carrie’s head with a load of rubbish about clothes. I popped over to Gowing’s and asked him to drop in for supper, to lighten the mood.

Carrie knocked up a bit of a buffet with sliced meats, some smoked salmon (she told me not to eat any, in case there wasn’t enough to go round), and an M&S trifle. Annie got us to play Trivial Pursuit. But in the middle Lupin got up and said, “This is far too hard core for me. I think I’ll go and have a quiet game of patience on the patio instead, if you don’t mind”. The sarcasm irritated me.

Things might have got a bit uncomfortable, but Gowing (who seems to get on with Lupin like a house on fire) suggested we should have a go at inventing games. Lupin said “Right. Let’s play “Monkeys””. He dragged Gowing round the room, ending up in front of the mirror. I creased up. Later on, everybody was sniggering at some joke which they never explained, and it was only when I got to bed that I discovered that a serviette smeared in trifle had got stuck to the back of my shirt.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Nearly missed Andrew Marr because Annie was jabbering on about what she was going to wear. Lupin doesn’t get on with her. I’m afraid we’re going to have trouble with next door. They moved in on Wednesday. Several of their friends, who have loud sports cars, have already caused a nuisance.

Early evening a day or two ago I was out in the garden, wearing my summer hat to keep the sun off, when a man, sitting in some kind of jazzy soft top, started singing “I come from a land down under” or some such rubbish. I reckoned it was directed at me, and I was right. Whilst I was ambling about in the garden this afternoon, one of those small bangers was deliberately aimed at my hat and went off. I turned round sharply and I could have sworn I saw the same man retreating from one of the bedroom windows.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Annie arrived, bringing a huge bunch of wild flowers. The more I see of her, the more I like her. She went upstairs with Carrie, and they spent an hour talking about fashion stuff. Lupin said he wasn’t surprised at her coming to stay, but he was surprised at her. (Whatever that means).

Friday, August 21, 2009

To cheer Lupin up, Carrie invited Annie James across for a few days. We thought we’d keep it as a nice surprise for him.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I bought a pair of wall-mounted wrought iron candle holders. They’re designed to hold a tea light. They’ll look just right in the hall, and give it an extra touch of style. They’re very well finished. HR in Transfinance haven’t any openings for Lupin at the moment, but say they’ll keep his details on file.

I hung up a wrought-iron candle holder

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Home sweet home! Carrie bought some pretty sea-grass mats to stand vases on. I got an e-mail from HR in Centriva saying they had no vacancies.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Our last day at the seaside, and the weather was looking good, though a bit cloudy. We went across to Cummings’ chalet at Corton, and since it was cold, we had a bite to eat and messed around playing some games. As per usual, Gowing overstepped the mark. He suggested playing Twister, and when Carrie started (left and right foot on blue) he said “Come on Carrie, darling, time for some fun: get down and spread your legs”. Filth.

We play “Twister”

We were all twisted up like a bunch of contortionists. Suddenly Gowing, who was at the centre of the whole thing, leapt up shouting “Fire! Fire! The room’s on fire!”.

The game started and we ended up laughing hysterically, all twisted up like a bunch of contortionists. Suddenly Gowing, who was at the centre of the whole thing, leapt up shouting “Fire! Fire! The room’s on fire!”. We tumbled all over the place, and there was pandemonium until we realised that it was another of Gowing’s (hilarious) jokes. Not so hilarious was the fact that Carrie ended up banging her head on the fireplace. Polly put some Savlon on the bruise, but what with all the upset, I didn’t think it would be wise to walk back, so I had to shell out ten quid to travel all of a few miles back to Gunton Hall. Daylight robbery.

Gowing leapt up shouting “Fire! Fire! The room’s on fire!”

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I was about to lecture Lupin on the dangers of smoking (he gets through about 40 a day), but he put his sunglasses on and walked off. Carrie then started to lecture me on the stupidity of treating Lupin like a baby. I thought she might have a point, so in the evening I suggested we sit out on the terrace by the bar and have a drink together. He seemed pleased. I got him a half of Carling. He turned his nose up at it, went off to the bar, and returned with four bottles of Corona and some Tequila slammers and said “Try this for size, fella”.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Gowing and Cummings popped over to fix an evening at Corton. Since it was wet, Gowing asked Cummings whether he’d fancy a game of pool (he knows I never play: I think it’s doubtful). Cummings said he had to head back. I was mortified when Lupin said to Gowing “Mate, I’ll give you a game for a tenner! It’ll help me work up an appetite for dinner”. I said “Perhaps Mister Gowing isn’t up for a game with someone of your age”. Gowing surprised me by saying “No probs. As long as he can play a bit – he’s my man”, and off they went together.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Since things weren’t working out too well on the Lupin front, Carrie and I went off on a speedboat round the bay. I was relieved that it was just the two of us together for a change. When anything Lupin does irritates me, Carrie always sides with him. When we got back, he said “Hey! You’ve done the Speed Barfing thing! Fancy a fiver’s worth of Bollock Busting?" I assumed he was alluding to hiring a mountain bike, but I pretended I didn’t know what he meant.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Lupin flatly refused to walk along the front with me because I was wearing my Crocodile Dundee hat and a Hawaiian shirt. I don’t know what’s up with him.

Lupin flatly refused to walk along the front with me

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

It cleared up a bit, so we all went off into Lowestoft. The first person we met on the pier was Gowing. I said “Hi there! I thought you’d gone to Jersey with your mates from Birmingham”. He said “Yes, but Pete Lawrence was really ill, so they postponed it. There was a Warners offer in the Express, and we managed to get a last minute cancellation at Corton. Did you know the Cummings are here too?” Carrie said “Oh great! Let’s get together some evening and have a laugh”.

I introduced Lupin and said “What do you reckon? Pooter Junior’s back home”. Gowing said “How come? Lost your job at the bank?"

I quickly changed the subject, just in case Gowing decided to ask any awkward questions (as he tends to).

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

I was peeved to discover that Lupin, rather than reading last night, had headed out into Lowestoft and gone to some dubious bar called “Vegas” to watch a drag show. I made it clear that drag shows were not my idea of respectable entertainment, but he said “It was a one-off. I was fed up, so I thought I’d take a look at Pussy Feltwell, England’s premier Drag Diva”. I told him I was pleased to say that I’d never heard of the man/woman (whatever), but Carrie said “Oh leave him alone, Charlie. He’s old enough to look after himself, and he’s hardly going to start acting like a yob. Remember, you were young once”. It rained hard all day but Lupin wouldn’t go out.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Fantastic! We’re at Gunton Hall, just along the way from Corton Holiday Village. Just as good, and a fair bit cheaper because the room’s not overlooking the sea. We arrived in time to catch dinner, though Lupin got a bit narky (just because there was a fly in the butter). It was very wet in the evening, which gave me an excuse to turn in early. Lupin said he’d stay up for a while and read.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Although it’s not so good having Lupin around, it’s some consolation to know he was sacked simply because he “took no interest in his work, and always arrived an hour (sometimes two hours) late”. We can all head off to Gunton Hall on Monday feeling a little easier. The trip will take my mind off the worries I’ve had during the past few days, primarily because of a load of wasted correspondence with the Natwest manager in Oldham.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Barry Perkupp says I can postpone my holiday for a week, because of the mix up with the booking. It’ll give me a chance to help Will get some kind of job sorted. I’d be chuffed if he could get a job in our company.

Monday, August 03, 2009

There was no sign of Lupin by nine o’clock, so I knocked on his bedroom door, told him we usually had breakfast at half eight, and asked him when he’d be up. Lupin said he was “knackered” from the trains going past all night and from the sun coming straight in the window, and he’d got a cracking headache. Carrie came up and offered to bring him breakfast in bed. He said he didn’t want any food, just a cup of tea.

He still wasn’t around at half one, so I went up and told him we’d be having lunch at two. He said he’d be “down in a minute”. In the end, he didn’t emerge until quarter to three. I said, “We’ve hardly seen you since you’ve been down, and you’re going to have to go soon if you want to get the train back, unless you’re planning to get up at the crack of dawn”.

He said “Get real. Work it out. I’ve resigned from the bank”. I was at a loss for words. Eventually I said “What’s up with you? You can’t do that! Certainly not without discussing it with me! Sit down, right now, and send an e-mail to the bank. Withdraw your resignation and apologise for whatever trouble you’ve caused”.

Imagine how I felt when Lupin laughed out loud and said “I doubt that’d do any good. If you want to know the truth – I’ve been sacked”.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

We’ve not seen Willie since Christmas, and he’s really grown. Looks like a young man. It’s hard to believe he’s Carrie’s son – he looks more like her brother. I don’t like him slobbing around the house in cut-offs, flip-flops and a T-shirt (this isn’t Newquay), but I didn’t comment on it because he said he was tired after the journey. We had a bottle of Jacob’s Creek at dinner to celebrate his visit.

He said “Hey, I’ve cut my first name, William, and opted for my middle one,“Lupin”, instead. Up in Oldham, I’m only known as “Lupin Pooter”. If you asked for “Willie” up there, they wouldn’t know who you were talking about”.

Since Lupin was an old family name, Carrie was delighted and she started reeling off a big long saga relating to the Lupins. I interrupted and said I thought William was a nice simple name. I reminded Willie that it was what his uncle had been called, and his uncle had been very well respected in the banking business. Willie said “Yeah yeah. Whatever. “Good old Bill”” and helped himself to a third glass of wine.

I said “Willie, I hope everything’s going well at the bank?" He replied “It’s Lupin. Got it? Lupin. Oh yeah, and the bank: the staff are morons and the manager’s mental”. I was so shocked I couldn’t say a word. Clearly, there’s something up.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

Got up, logged on, and found an e-mail from Willie (our son) saying thanks for a small present Carrie had sent for his birthday (he was 20 the day before yesterday). We were amazed when he turned up on the doorstep in the afternoon. He’d come down from Oldham: he’d got a day’s leave from the bank.

Lupin

Why shouldn’t
I publish
my diary?

I often see memoirs by people I’ve never even heard of and I don’t see why my diary should be any less interesting, just because I’m not a ‘celebrity’. I only wish I’d started it when I was younger.

Charles Pooter
The Laurels, 32 Elmside,
Barleycorn Mead, Harrow on the Hill.
charles@charlespooter.com